I'm Only Sleeping

"How do you sleep ?" John Lennon asked of Paul McCartney shortly after The Beatles split. I don't know what Macca's reply was, but generally I'm a rock solid snoozer who can cruise along on six to seven hours sleep a night(does a catch up on the train count?). Five Centres had a rumble recently about how song snippets can nag away at night and stop him dropping off. For me it's certain red wines or random thoughts rattling around like dropped marbles that starts a wide eyed wakefulness which then sets in for a few nights.

My antidote used to be a quick blast of 'Melody FM' - Glen Campbell crooning 'Galveston' or 'By The Time I Get To Phoenix', Randi Crawford 'Tradewinds', or endless Carpenters, Helen Reddy and Sounds Orchestral tracks were dead cert's for getting back on the nod in no time. But since 'Melody' became 'Smooth' it's gone all soppy, stodgy and just doesn't work anymore.

This doesn't matter though, as I've developed a new sure fire snooze system so simple and effective that it works for almost everyone apart black eyed insomniacs. It's this...

Do an A to Z of something - films, songs, singers, places names, superheroes, animals..any category is up for grabs and so much the better if it's really boring. Having a subject matter focuses your thoughts, and the dullness of having to grind through an alphabet of anything will have you heavy lidded and yawning within a few shakes of a sleepy sheeps tail. Most people that I've recommended this to are back in the land of nod by or before reaching the letter M. In the unlikely event that you should manage to do the loop and return to A, try doubling up and duplicate two things that begin with a letter for example...

British Towns - Andover,Ashford, Basildon, Basingstoke..

It may sound crazy but it works, and as John Lennon sang..

"Whatever gets you through the night it's alright, it's alright"

Never Mind The Quality Feel The Bandwidth

Do you remember the snappy slogan from pie in a tin people Fray Bentos? “No fat, lumps or gristle - guaranteed".

Digital Radio broadcasters should chew over that phrase or perhaps adopt it as a ‘Mission Statement’ before dishing up any new digital sizzlers and spectaculars. Marvellous as it is having untold channels and choice, what’s the point in lending an ear to something that’s all stodge and no substance.

I had a recent grumble about rubbish radio on Sunday mornings, but yesterday after rescanning the frequencies to weed out the dead DAB stations I came across a couple of broadcast crackers that prove the world really has gone inane.

Traffic Radio
A station that provides non stop traffic news! Given that most cars aren't fitted with DAB receivers, Traffic Radio broadcasts 24 Hour rolling road news that you can only hear at home. What genius came up with that one?

Birdsong
Yes – that’s it nothing but birdsong for 18 hours a day.

The delivery of DAB seems to have become clumsy and wrong footed. I was all for it initially (I've got 4 digital radios at home) but the pattern of promotion seems aimed at specialist stations all doomed to digital failure within a year. The majority seem to be made for the wrong demographic - the elderly (Oneword, BBC7, Ourkind, Primetime, Saga) never the first to take up any new technology, or hopeless stations that I wouldn't listen to on analogue or digital. Stations like...

Planet Rock
'The Greatest Driving Albums In The World Ever' on 24 hour rotation

The Jazz
Jazz Fm was constantly in flux on FM, why should it work on DAB.

The key to success, like most musical formats is portability. Why not bolt DAB onto iPods and MP3 players or manufacture reasonably priced pocket size units this would instantly increase the potential audience.

Then we just need something worth listening to.

Kissy Kissy

It doesn't get better than a bit of Bacharach for smoochy moods, add Herb Alpert and the muted toot of his trumpet as the cherry on top and it's almost too perfect.

Herb Alpert - 'This Guy's In Love''


Mai Oiu, a song and a smile from Sacha and Brigitte. C'est si bon. But you may need to lever le petit doigt dans le oreille when Brigitte steps up to the mic.

Brigitte Bardot and Sacha Distel - 'Tu es le Soleil'

Brigitte Bardot will be featured on Planet Mondo for tomorrows Funky Friday

Blimey - it's Bill Cosby getting his specs all steamed up.

Bill Cosby - No One Can Love.mp3



If you fancy something with a bit more raunch 'n' roll, why not get your fruity boots over to Planet Mondo for a bespoke 'Electric Blue' mondo minimix.

Reverse Randomizer

I’m all for the idea of the randomizer – shuffling your iPod/MP3 player and listing the first five tracks played, but these are five songs that definitely won’t be appearing on any of my randomizers. I can’t stand them, and wouldn’t let a single one within a mile of my MP3 player

‘Horse With No Name’ – America
Doesn’t it just grind along and drone on and on and on.

‘In the Year 25 25’ – Zager and Evans
Strip away the galloping urgency, the manic key changes and the dopey predictions - there isn’t really much of a song left.

‘Telstar‘- The Tornados
Not in anyway listenable. It sounds like the sort of music they’d shake a leg to on Tracey Island.

‘How Do You Do It’ - Gerry and the Pacemakers
This and the other one ‘I like It’ put me off discovering decent sixties music for years.

‘The Glory of Love’ – Peter Cetera
There aren’t many people I really could punch, but Pete qualifies with this song and that voice - so weedy and wimpy it makes Scooter from the Muppets sound like Lemmy.

Phrases On Stun

There's a handful of phrases, sayings and statements so cliched, corny and plain baffling, that I would rather be fed my own ears on a skewer than have to ever hear them again. Instant shoulder cringers like....

"How goes it/the Battle?" - We're in the Digital Age, not the Dark Ages.

"Do the Math." - *shudders*

"Go Figure" - *gags like a cat with a furball*

"Surely." - as in "you surely can." What's wrong with "Yes"?

"Discuss." - When barked as an order at the end of some dreary theory.

"Back in the day." - What day? When??

"Bailiwick." - As in "it's not my Bailiwick". I've only heard this wheeled out on one occasion, but it was used three times by a repeat offender during one meeting. Unforgettable and unforgivable.

"It was all I could do." - What was all you could do? They never say!

There's a few more cheesy nuggets on my list, but I'll have to stop before I go cross eyed and faint from the horror of it all.

The Cillit Bang Award - No Ball Games

The first Cillit Bang Award (an occasional honour given out to the grim and the grotty) goes to a Grotbag Of The Week caught completely offside - Ashley Cole

Bright Ambassador has the perfect piece on why Pepe Le Puke is a CBA winner. Perhaps Ashley could regurgitate his carrot based bedroom technique into a book for all drunken fumblers to enjoy "The Joy of Sicks"

Sherbet - Howzat

Shall We Put A Record On?

How about The Faces?
Smashing.


The Faces - Maybe I'm Amazed (Single Version).mp3

Sunday Morning Nightmare

What in the name of Diddy David Hamilton is going on with Sunday morning radio? I've never known such a schedule of shockers. There’s not one show pitched perfectly for anyone convalesing from a Saturday night polite pickling.

I became a DAB’er about 3 years ago, and although the broadcast quality is crisp and clear, the content seems to be crumbling by the week.

This is a breakdown of yesterdays listening between 9 – 10:30

BBC cosy local
For old folk only. Gardening a go-go and memories of the 50s.

Radio 1
Can’t make up its mind if wants an urban pirate vibe or student rag week feel, and most of the presenters render it unlistenable at any time.

Radio 2
Steve Wright. That rotten keyboard sound used for backgrounds beds and two hours of the same sickly requests and slushy sounds mainly from the eighties. It's beige broadcasting. And some people listen to this show every week.*sounds of dry retching*

6 Music
Too jerky and jarring for an early doors hangover on the Sabbath.

Our Kind of Music
Show songs, Ella and Frank - good for twenty minutes until they drop in some brain shaking scat singing.

The Jazz
Good for about 15 minutes until they drop in the Jazz horns screechers and some ol' modal meltdown.

Traffic FM – twenty four hour rolling traffic news anyone? (more on this soon)

The most suitable Sunday soother would be Guy Garvey’s excellent 6 Music show a real gem of low key acoustics, and soft mellow melters gently presented by Guy Garvey(yes, him from Elbow), but this only goes out on Sunday evenings, by which time I'm so frazzled I can barely manage more than 15 minutes.

Dave Vanian Writes.....

Hello I'm Dave Vanian of The Damned
You may know me from songs like 'New Rose', 'Neat Neat Neat', 'Smash It Up' 'Eloise' and 'I Just Can't Be Happy Today'. Well I'm not happy today - in fact I'm in a right steaming rage, I don't mind a bit of light fingered 'pop lifting' but have you seen the Sweeney Todd posters? Johnny Depp's only gone and reanimated my 80's proto Goth look for his role as the Demon Barber hasn't he. And do I get any credit like Keith Richards did - do I bugger! What the devil am I barking on about ? Have a peep at these 80's hits and you'll see - what a damned cheek. Grave robbery that's what it is.

*puff of smoke, takes form of a bat and flaps out of window gnashing fangs*

The Damned - 'Eloise'


The Damned - 'Shadow of Love'

Video Nasties Pt 1 - New Order 'True Faith'

There's a few videos that genuinely infuriate me, and 'True Faith' is probably the first one that made my neck as tight as a tent post. This tear up in Toy Town type video was irritating enough at the time - it just looks plain daft now. But what's even more blood boilingly annoying is that 'True Faith' still gets badged and branded as a "classic". The live sections are all fine and dandy - it's during the symbolism, sign language and serious faced slapstick where my shoulders start to slump. It's not even funny with the sound down. I really don't miss the 80's at all.

Reasons to be Cheerful Pt. 1 - Public Information Films

Do they still make Public Information Films? I don't think I've ever seen a contemporary 'Take Care' TV shortie. The 'Charlie Says' DVD released a few years ago, collected the best of the Sixties and Seventies P.I films and is an absolute joy packed with educational gems from end to end. Yes, there's all the textbook safety subjects...

Crossing the Road - Green Cross Code and The Tufty Club,

Swimming - Rolf Harris'Get in the Swim' and 'Meet Dave'

Driving - Think Once. Think Twice. Think Bike and 'Clunk Click'.

But the real revelation is the volume (over 150 on Vol. 1 alone), and depth ( chip pans, polystyrene ceiling tiles, and overly polished floors) of Health and Safety issues spoon fed to the public. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking these films, we could probably do with more of these punchy numbers today - mobile phones, dangerous dogs and stodge diets for starters.

Set dressed for earthy authenticity (apart from a few of the scenarios) these thumbnails capture an accurate snapshot of Seventies lifestyle and deliver all the detail lacking from the over dressed grotesques in shows like 'Life on Mars' etc..
Treat yourself and have a peep at Blunders family in 'Meet the Blunders' -
I Love the moment they've chosen to freeze frame at the end..

There's Mr Blunders



There's Mrs blunders and there's Billy Blunders

The 'Charlie Says' special edition containing Vol 1 and 2 is available from Amazon for the crazy price of £6.97 (bizarrely Volume 1 and 2 are individually priced at around £10)

If you're in the mood for more retromaniac classics have a wander over Planet Mondo for some Charity Shop sounds including Joe Loss and Manuel and The Music of The Mountains'

Start Making Sense Pt. 2 – Space Invader Close Ups.

What is going on with this crazy phase of extremely ‘Extreme Close Ups’ for talking head shots at certain moments in comtemporary Documentaries?

There seems to be a new fad for this caps, bold and underlined, forehead to chin camera angle. I don’t get it at all, are they saying …

A – This is a close, revealing and sensitive moment. DO YOU SEE????

Yes I do see but I have to go reeling out of the room to focus on the speakers face.

B – We are giving you a sense of reality, intimacy, contact and a shared ‘in the room’ experience with this person.

But I don’t know anyone with a 28” widescreen face and certainly wouldn't share any sort of experience with someone that did , save from shooing them to the door.

It’s like all those shaky shenningans back in the 90’s (‘This Life’ being the world’s worst offender) when only camera operators with St Vitus Dance seemed to be used. I wasn't impressed, just ended up with motion sickness and switching off.

C’mon get a grip, and pull it back a bit.

I Am The Walrus

Good God almighty I must have gone hard at it this Christmas. Even my 'not so hard to do up trousers' are on the point of bursting like an over inflated balloon - and they haven't even been to the Dry Cleaners so that's that excuse gone pop (soon to be followed by the trousers).

I'm sure I was wasn't feeling this puffed up and bloaty last January, but that'll be down to the scientific yet seasonally named 'Winter Vomit Disease' (are there other seasonal diseases?) which kicked in on Christmas Day.

So then resolutions for 2008

New Year rezzers at the moment are....

1 - Advance beyond just the Pentatonic scale for guitar playing.
Perhaps have a try at that crazy Mixolydian scale.

2 - Check for grammar, typo's and spelling mistakes before posting new blog entries.
I'm bound to have blown that one on this entry.

3 - Start getting up to date with TV and film.
I'm so achingly out of date with everything it's beyond ridiculous - never seen The Sopranos, Heroes or any US dramas, (I only started on Seinfeld last year). And the list of films I haven't seen is plain embarrassing

4 - Read books that aren't just music/pop culture/entertainment related.
This shouldn't be too tricky - in theory

5 - Try to do less blogging.
My heads constantly buzzing with bits to stick in my cyberspace scrapbooks, I've been a terror for Ebay, music downloading and Myspace but nothing has swallowed my spare (and not spare) time like the black hole of blogging. I really should try to apply the hi tech' handbrake more often in 2008

Updates may be posted throughout the year - but wouldn't that be breaking Res' number 5? Yikes it's like a Mobius Strip.

Holiday On Ice

Well Bloggers and Bloggettes that's it on Channel Mondo for 2007 - the holiday handbrake is on. Pease feel free to pop over to planet mondo and fill your snow boots with the festive fun over there until the new year.

But until then, a big thank you is due to anyone who has read or commented on any of the ol' nonsense I've knocked out on this blog. And I'm sending an extra special thank you to all the those on the blog roll who were the inspiration for setting up this piece of ol' puffery up.

Over and out until 2008

PM

An Annual Event Pt 4 - 1977 -1979

The final round up of my annual report.

1977

I wasn't a regular Monster Fun reader but loved this cover- I became smitten with Krazy comic in '77 and every other comic seemed dated after Krazy.

My two almost favourite shows of '77.


But both were shot in to second place by Starsky and Hutch.

1978

I own a pair of Adidas SL 76's (Starsky's trainer of choice at the peak of the series) which still draw an occasional gasp from people of a certain age when I wear them.

I can't remember a single character from Shiver and Shake.



1979

How many great opening sequences and themes in this selection? New Avengers, Starsky and Hutch, The Sweeney and The Professionals - no one makes opening title sequences and themes of that quality any more.

Krazy comic character Cheeky became so popular he eventually got his own weekly publication. This cover features the ever desperate stooge - Walter Wurks.

An Annual Event Pt 3 - 1975 and 1976

A few more from the Christmas collection - this isn't the complete catalogue of 75/76Annuals as Whizzer and Chips, Star Trek and Superman Batman and Robin had become standard issue Christmas prezzies by this point, these are just a few of the extra goodies given.

1975
Was Funky Phantom 'Heavens to Murgatroyd' or was that Snagglepuss?
And where did the ol' granny come from? It didn't make sense then, it's mind boggling now.

I think this may have been the first Whoopee annual and featured The Bumpkin Billionares, Sweeny Todd and Frankie Stein.

Mainly reprints from 'Gold Key' comics with no Ron Ely anywhere.

My favourite Star Trek cover - you could almost touch the velvety texture of Spock's top, the silvery sparkle on his badge and the detail of the phaser. Magic. Unfortunately ended up covered with gauged lines from 'tracing' around Spock with tracing/greaseproof paper.


1976
Got the standard issue Fleetway Annuals this year - Whizzer and Chips, Shiver and Shake and Star Trek, but these are a few of the more obscure 'under the tree' additions.

Bill Bixby getting in on the 70's cop show boom. The Magician Annual had instructions for a great trick with a balloon, sellotape and a pin.
Urco and his gorilla army absolutely terrified me. It's gorrilas on horseback - with rifles. The two astronauts (Burke and Virdon)in POTA were surley the inspiration for Starsky and Hutch.

Great Neal Adams style illustration, but a couple of 'bloopers' - Batman's boots are are too short, Superman's boots have a yellow flourish and his 'S'logo colours have been reversed. (Yes I am a comics anorak - but not quite a geek)

This annual may have contained a Gerald McBoing-Boing story .

Christmas Clanger - The 'Sketch a Graph'

Strong statements with no sign of a disclaimer anywhere.



Click on the photos for close ups

Who was the twisted genius that came up with the concept of the 'Sketch a Graph'? And what committee of idiots were so impressed with the prototype and demos they put the thing into production. Fortunately I never got this box of disappointment for Christmas. Unfortunately I made the the mistake of splashing some Christmas money on one at the sort of shop selling stationary downstairs and toys upstairs, after being taken in with the adverts showing almost spectacularly accurate reproductions (in larger or smaller sizes) of maps, photos and illustrations created by this higgldy piggldy contraption - a cross between an etch a sketch, a compass and trellis fencing .

What in the name of Tony Hart was it all about? - I could have done better with my eyes closed using my left hand or if I'd tried drawing it driving over cobbles as the end result was always an absolutely hopeless shuddery muddle, not helped by the pivot only being secured by a solo drawing pin.



I found one almost MIB as they say on Ebay, for 50p in a local charity shop, but more amazingly the 'Sketch a Graph' is still going strong, you can see it here. It's been given a make over, and they seemed to have addressed the shudder issues. I could be tempted to try again.

An Annual Event Pt 2 - 1974

My 1974 haul of Annuals seems to be well represented at www.tonystrading.co.uk

The Protectors - Gerry Anderson production, 'Avenues and Alleyways'theme tune and the lovely Nyree Dawn Porter too. *sighs*


I used to be a terror for TV Detectives, but always found Columbo and Canon a bit boring. I'm sure Steve McGarrett (Hawaii Five-O) must have been inspired by Elvis.

Superman, Batman and Robin - all thriller no filler illustration only. Luscious.


It Wasn't all action for 74 there were cartoons and comic annuals too.

I only found out about the Whizzer characters sneaking into Chips stories and vice versa, years after I stopped reading W & C ( I think Minnie's mixer - one of my faves had been phased out by the 74 annual).


The BBC always had the best cartoons.

An Annual Event Pt 1 - 1970 to 1973

Annuals and their giveaway shape when wrapped, were one of my favourite things about Christmas in the seventies. I loved the facts, stats, and picture stories - but could never be bothered with reading the mini written stories. This isn't my complete collection, just the edited highlights(read:ones I could find pictures of )

1970 - I got my first Christmas Annual in 1970 . POW, featuring Leo Baxendale's Grimly Feendish (partly based on Professor Marcus from The Ladykillers) in a haggis heist. And Spiderman battling the Meteor Man.

1971 - Tom and Jerry, I always thought it was a bit odd that these were full of speech bubbles, when T and J hardly ever spoke in the cartoons.

1972 - Disneyland had a story about Donald Duck being shipwrecked at sea which gave me nightmares for years.

1973 - My first Star Trek Annual. Kirk's top was always a bit too mustardy or green, but the ' Trek Annuals were all illustration, no long winded wordy nonsense here. Marvellous.

And the spectacular Persuaders Annual, the photo sections were tinted green - which gave a Tooty Minties vibe.


More to come soon - most of the pic's used here are from the mighty site
http://www.tonystrading.co.uk/

Wizard of Ozzy - Rock n Roll Pantomime

Instead of the same sorry ol' soap stars and reality also rans grinding through their lines in the local theatre, wouldn't Rock and Rollers make superior Panto performers? After all, they're seasoned board treaders, they specialise in working the crowds and lung busting in theatrical costumery - so should be ready made for the festive season. But who should play what ?

I’m going for 'Wizard of Oz'

Katie Melua as Dorothy
Robert Plant as the Lion (understudy - Newton Faulkner)
One of Daft Punk as the Tin Man (understudy – the other one from Daft Punk)
Thom Yorke as the Scarecrow (understudy Bob Geldof)
Amy Winehouse as the Wicked Witch
Jimmy Page as the Wizard (understudy - Dave Gilmour)

Bjork Would make a superb Snow White
Prince (Frisky) Van Morrison (Grumpy), Kelly Jones (Shouty)would be perfect for a few of the shorties

And Amy Wino and Pete Dochers could be Cinderella and Buttons in Sleeping Beauty

Its only frock and roll but I like it.
(Oh no you don't)
(Oh yes I do )
*Continues for several hours*