Straight Talking

Am I missing something? Twenty three people complain about one burlesque meets biblical advert for hair straighteners (which I still haven't seen) and suddenly it's like the Blitz, with the 'Straightgate' exploding cluster bomb style across the news and being reported with all the fuss and faff of Chicken Little claiming the sky's falling down.

It's twenty three people - out of a UK total of sixty million , one of them being the Archdeacon of Liverpool - someone whose job description is to wag his finger about such hairesy.

That's Twenty three people- the same headcount as players on a football pitch(including the referee), an empty looking bus load of biddies and less than the average class size - I've stood in bigger ques. Full marks to the good people at 'ghd' and their creative team on achieving saturation on a scale way beyond budget. I'd never heard of the 'ghd IV styler' before all this . I may even go and buy one now.

Lynsey De Paul - Storm In A Teacup



(a song I never get tired of and which ties in with this, that and the other)

Electronic Tagging

I've been tagged by Cocktails

The script is....

Get the book you're reading.
Turn to page 123.
Skip the first 5 sentences.
Post the next three.

This extract is taken from my current read - see above

"are you a piano player?" and he said, "no... you got one of my T -
shirts on, I designed that" I got the T - shirt from Let It Rock .
Tony James

So I'm passing the baton to BLTP and Feedback Report
(If you hear any popping sounds that'll be resolutions 4 and 5 on my 2008 list )

I Can’t Stand Up For Falling Down

When was the last time you fell over in public?

Mine was last Friday. But this was no slight slip that could be stopped with a steadying hand, or by dropping down into a one kneed proposal pose. No,no, no. This was a dignity free, slapstick acrobatic, both legs up in the air, bowling ball roll (sideways too).

I’d only bent down to pick up a shoe, flung from the baby buggy of the woman walking in front of me, but a medley of slippery soles, being a touch off balance with a bundle of boxes from Post Office and a robust forward thrust as I bent down to grab the shoe had me upended and rolling and tumbling like a wheel from a cartoon car crash. And, in front of a packed gallery of three - yes three - heaving bus stops. I even heard an offstage gasp from the old couple behind me.

Knowing how much entertainment gold there is in watching someone have a wobbler, how do you recover from a trauma like this? There’s only one way. Reach for your mobile phone, and role play receiving a call (or making a blame and claim call) at the precise moment you’ve recovered with a flourish and are back on steady legs. You can even lend a bit of weighty embellishment to the performance by frowning like a champ and giving the phone a few theatrical “what’s happened to the reception ?” glares until you’re safely out of sight.

'The Man Trap' - A Public Information Film on the perils of polished floors.



Freeze framed at the hand to mouth reaction moment, as any later would see Mum and daughter fold like falling trees, giggling themselves silly as Dad goes bouncing down the hall like Tigger.

Stress Down Friday

This.... is Mr Ernest Ranglin- you may not know the name, but I guarantee you will have heard his playing at some point - Ernest is Jamaica's King of the Strings and has lent his laid back guitar style to tracks by Prince Buster, Jimmy Cliff, The Skatellites and most famously.. Millie's 'My Boy Lollipop'. This tune is taken from one of his more recent recordings 'Below The Bassline' where his sunshine shuffling style is set to an acoustic Jazz/Reggae infusion.

Before the phrase " Jazz/Reggae infusion " has you reaching for the remote, hang on for a just one mo'... this really is worth a spin and I guarantee ' Below The Bassline' is the perfect soundtrack for sipping on a sunblushed summers evening .

Ernest Ranglin - 54-46 Was My Number.mp3




If you fancy something more uptown, uptempo - why not see what's shaking on Planet Mondo.

If you're after something more downtown, downtempo - why not try a mellow melter from Johnny Adams.

Mondo Bizzaro

Lawks and lummee!! What in the name of Harry H Houdini is a popping here then?
Lungbusting, levitation, ramping up the camp and meringue bouffants all round - that's what.

The amount of 'Elnett' used (David going for the 'flyaway' type) to keep those silky superstructures in place must surely have shot the first holes in the ozone layer.

David Copperfield and Bonny Tyler - Holding Out For a Hero


Almost as brain quaking as Uri Geller's appearance in Daredevil, or Batman riffing on the The Beatles 'Paul is dead' rumor.

I'd love to see some joker overdub this clip with...


Cliff Adams - The Night Rider (better known as the "all because the lady loves" Milk Tray music)



Actually all you need to do is turn the Youtube sound down, press play on both clips at the same time and you're there - works a treat.

Hooray For Harold Lloyd

They don't show silent films on TV anymore. Which is a tragic shame, as I've been waiting decades for 'Hooray For Harold Lloyd' to be repeated. I've got about three hours worth on clunky ol' VHS but the video was 'lofted' a while ago - so that's that.

Laurel and Hardy always left me cold - those breathing spaces and built in silences allowing for audiences to guffaw themselves purple, just fell flat in the front room. And skits with stairs, pianos and tangling themselves into reef knots with each others jackets was just plain irritating.

No, Harold Lloyd was always the kiddie for me, with his energetic enthusiasm, unyeilding optimism, dynamic acrobatics (all performed with a thumb and several fingers missing), a kittenish eye for the girls and that fantastic haircut. Even the music in these made for TV comps was pitched perfectly in each scene.

Unfortunately these two clips, intact with the music have been dubbed in French so the broad Brooklyn accent supplying the narrative is gone.

'Hooray For Harold Lloyd' - Opening Titles


There was a scene in the closing credits of 'HFHL' of Harold stealthily blackflipping on a bridge and then leaping over a wobbly cyclist - I'd be eternally grateful if anyone could identify the films these scenes are from.

This is possibly the greatest of all Harold Lloyd's shorty films..

Harold Lloyd - 'Hey There'


Recommended Reading

The Harold Lloyd website

The definitive DVD box set - complete films, not the TV comps

Happy Shopper

Bennett Brothers Inc. BlueBook of Quality Merchandise 1970

I found these retrotastic scans as part of a set on Flickr recently, and after years of scouring, scanning and sifting - this the closest I've got to getting my mitts on a complete 1970s catalogue.

For something that seemed to achieve saturation on a massive scale during the seventies - it's almost impossible to uncover any 'vintage'catalogues. Boot sales, charity shops, libraries and ebay - I've tried them all, and not a sniff of these handbooks for home shoppers. It makes sense that'spring/summer' would have been lofted, boxed or binned when 'autumn/winter' arrived(with Christmas hampers and tinned hams at the back), but I'm boggled that so few of these scrapbooks of style have survived.

So, until I eventually track down one of these treats, I'll have to console myself with these catalogue scans and some sounds that may have been spun on a sterogram purchased in monthly payments.

It's All At the Co-Op Now - Alan Hawkshaw.mp3



Life of Leisure - Keith Mansfield.mp3

I'm Only Sleeping

"How do you sleep ?" John Lennon asked of Paul McCartney shortly after The Beatles split. I don't know what Macca's reply was, but generally I'm a rock solid snoozer who can cruise along on six to seven hours sleep a night(does a catch up on the train count?). Five Centres had a rumble recently about how song snippets can nag away at night and stop him dropping off. For me it's certain red wines or random thoughts rattling around like dropped marbles that starts a wide eyed wakefulness which then sets in for a few nights.

My antidote used to be a quick blast of 'Melody FM' - Glen Campbell crooning 'Galveston' or 'By The Time I Get To Phoenix', Randi Crawford 'Tradewinds', or endless Carpenters, Helen Reddy and Sounds Orchestral tracks were dead cert's for getting back on the nod in no time. But since 'Melody' became 'Smooth' it's gone all soppy, stodgy and just doesn't work anymore.

This doesn't matter though, as I've developed a new sure fire snooze system so simple and effective that it works for almost everyone apart black eyed insomniacs. It's this...

Do an A to Z of something - films, songs, singers, places names, superheroes, animals..any category is up for grabs and so much the better if it's really boring. Having a subject matter focuses your thoughts, and the dullness of having to grind through an alphabet of anything will have you heavy lidded and yawning within a few shakes of a sleepy sheeps tail. Most people that I've recommended this to are back in the land of nod by or before reaching the letter M. In the unlikely event that you should manage to do the loop and return to A, try doubling up and duplicate two things that begin with a letter for example...

British Towns - Andover,Ashford, Basildon, Basingstoke..

It may sound crazy but it works, and as John Lennon sang..

"Whatever gets you through the night it's alright, it's alright"

Never Mind The Quality Feel The Bandwidth

Do you remember the snappy slogan from pie in a tin people Fray Bentos? “No fat, lumps or gristle - guaranteed".

Digital Radio broadcasters should chew over that phrase or perhaps adopt it as a ‘Mission Statement’ before dishing up any new digital sizzlers and spectaculars. Marvellous as it is having untold channels and choice, what’s the point in lending an ear to something that’s all stodge and no substance.

I had a recent grumble about rubbish radio on Sunday mornings, but yesterday after rescanning the frequencies to weed out the dead DAB stations I came across a couple of broadcast crackers that prove the world really has gone inane.

Traffic Radio
A station that provides non stop traffic news! Given that most cars aren't fitted with DAB receivers, Traffic Radio broadcasts 24 Hour rolling road news that you can only hear at home. What genius came up with that one?

Birdsong
Yes – that’s it nothing but birdsong for 18 hours a day.

The delivery of DAB seems to have become clumsy and wrong footed. I was all for it initially (I've got 4 digital radios at home) but the pattern of promotion seems aimed at specialist stations all doomed to digital failure within a year. The majority seem to be made for the wrong demographic - the elderly (Oneword, BBC7, Ourkind, Primetime, Saga) never the first to take up any new technology, or hopeless stations that I wouldn't listen to on analogue or digital. Stations like...

Planet Rock
'The Greatest Driving Albums In The World Ever' on 24 hour rotation

The Jazz
Jazz Fm was constantly in flux on FM, why should it work on DAB.

The key to success, like most musical formats is portability. Why not bolt DAB onto iPods and MP3 players or manufacture reasonably priced pocket size units this would instantly increase the potential audience.

Then we just need something worth listening to.

Kissy Kissy

It doesn't get better than a bit of Bacharach for smoochy moods, add Herb Alpert and the muted toot of his trumpet as the cherry on top and it's almost too perfect.

Herb Alpert - 'This Guy's In Love''


Mai Oiu, a song and a smile from Sacha and Brigitte. C'est si bon. But you may need to lever le petit doigt dans le oreille when Brigitte steps up to the mic.

Brigitte Bardot and Sacha Distel - 'Tu es le Soleil'

Brigitte Bardot will be featured on Planet Mondo for tomorrows Funky Friday

Blimey - it's Bill Cosby getting his specs all steamed up.

Bill Cosby - No One Can Love.mp3



If you fancy something with a bit more raunch 'n' roll, why not get your fruity boots over to Planet Mondo for a bespoke 'Electric Blue' mondo minimix.

Reverse Randomizer

I’m all for the idea of the randomizer – shuffling your iPod/MP3 player and listing the first five tracks played, but these are five songs that definitely won’t be appearing on any of my randomizers. I can’t stand them, and wouldn’t let a single one within a mile of my MP3 player

‘Horse With No Name’ – America
Doesn’t it just grind along and drone on and on and on.

‘In the Year 25 25’ – Zager and Evans
Strip away the galloping urgency, the manic key changes and the dopey predictions - there isn’t really much of a song left.

‘Telstar‘- The Tornados
Not in anyway listenable. It sounds like the sort of music they’d shake a leg to on Tracey Island.

‘How Do You Do It’ - Gerry and the Pacemakers
This and the other one ‘I like It’ put me off discovering decent sixties music for years.

‘The Glory of Love’ – Peter Cetera
There aren’t many people I really could punch, but Pete qualifies with this song and that voice - so weedy and wimpy it makes Scooter from the Muppets sound like Lemmy.

Phrases On Stun

There's a handful of phrases, sayings and statements so cliched, corny and plain baffling, that I would rather be fed my own ears on a skewer than have to ever hear them again. Instant shoulder cringers like....

"How goes it/the Battle?" - We're in the Digital Age, not the Dark Ages.

"Do the Math." - *shudders*

"Go Figure" - *gags like a cat with a furball*

"Surely." - as in "you surely can." What's wrong with "Yes"?

"Discuss." - When barked as an order at the end of some dreary theory.

"Back in the day." - What day? When??

"Bailiwick." - As in "it's not my Bailiwick". I've only heard this wheeled out on one occasion, but it was used three times by a repeat offender during one meeting. Unforgettable and unforgivable.

"It was all I could do." - What was all you could do? They never say!

There's a few more cheesy nuggets on my list, but I'll have to stop before I go cross eyed and faint from the horror of it all.

The Cillit Bang Award - No Ball Games

The first Cillit Bang Award (an occasional honour given out to the grim and the grotty) goes to a Grotbag Of The Week caught completely offside - Ashley Cole

Bright Ambassador has the perfect piece on why Pepe Le Puke is a CBA winner. Perhaps Ashley could regurgitate his carrot based bedroom technique into a book for all drunken fumblers to enjoy "The Joy of Sicks"

Sherbet - Howzat

Shall We Put A Record On?

How about The Faces?
Smashing.


The Faces - Maybe I'm Amazed (Single Version).mp3

Sunday Morning Nightmare

What in the name of Diddy David Hamilton is going on with Sunday morning radio? I've never known such a schedule of shockers. There’s not one show pitched perfectly for anyone convalesing from a Saturday night polite pickling.

I became a DAB’er about 3 years ago, and although the broadcast quality is crisp and clear, the content seems to be crumbling by the week.

This is a breakdown of yesterdays listening between 9 – 10:30

BBC cosy local
For old folk only. Gardening a go-go and memories of the 50s.

Radio 1
Can’t make up its mind if wants an urban pirate vibe or student rag week feel, and most of the presenters render it unlistenable at any time.

Radio 2
Steve Wright. That rotten keyboard sound used for backgrounds beds and two hours of the same sickly requests and slushy sounds mainly from the eighties. It's beige broadcasting. And some people listen to this show every week.*sounds of dry retching*

6 Music
Too jerky and jarring for an early doors hangover on the Sabbath.

Our Kind of Music
Show songs, Ella and Frank - good for twenty minutes until they drop in some brain shaking scat singing.

The Jazz
Good for about 15 minutes until they drop in the Jazz horns screechers and some ol' modal meltdown.

Traffic FM – twenty four hour rolling traffic news anyone? (more on this soon)

The most suitable Sunday soother would be Guy Garvey’s excellent 6 Music show a real gem of low key acoustics, and soft mellow melters gently presented by Guy Garvey(yes, him from Elbow), but this only goes out on Sunday evenings, by which time I'm so frazzled I can barely manage more than 15 minutes.

Dave Vanian Writes.....

Hello I'm Dave Vanian of The Damned
You may know me from songs like 'New Rose', 'Neat Neat Neat', 'Smash It Up' 'Eloise' and 'I Just Can't Be Happy Today'. Well I'm not happy today - in fact I'm in a right steaming rage, I don't mind a bit of light fingered 'pop lifting' but have you seen the Sweeney Todd posters? Johnny Depp's only gone and reanimated my 80's proto Goth look for his role as the Demon Barber hasn't he. And do I get any credit like Keith Richards did - do I bugger! What the devil am I barking on about ? Have a peep at these 80's hits and you'll see - what a damned cheek. Grave robbery that's what it is.

*puff of smoke, takes form of a bat and flaps out of window gnashing fangs*

The Damned - 'Eloise'


The Damned - 'Shadow of Love'

Video Nasties Pt 1 - New Order 'True Faith'

There's a few videos that genuinely infuriate me, and 'True Faith' is probably the first one that made my neck as tight as a tent post. This tear up in Toy Town type video was irritating enough at the time - it just looks plain daft now. But what's even more blood boilingly annoying is that 'True Faith' still gets badged and branded as a "classic". The live sections are all fine and dandy - it's during the symbolism, sign language and serious faced slapstick where my shoulders start to slump. It's not even funny with the sound down. I really don't miss the 80's at all.

Reasons to be Cheerful Pt. 1 - Public Information Films

Do they still make Public Information Films? I don't think I've ever seen a contemporary 'Take Care' TV shortie. The 'Charlie Says' DVD released a few years ago, collected the best of the Sixties and Seventies P.I films and is an absolute joy packed with educational gems from end to end. Yes, there's all the textbook safety subjects...

Crossing the Road - Green Cross Code and The Tufty Club,

Swimming - Rolf Harris'Get in the Swim' and 'Meet Dave'

Driving - Think Once. Think Twice. Think Bike and 'Clunk Click'.

But the real revelation is the volume (over 150 on Vol. 1 alone), and depth ( chip pans, polystyrene ceiling tiles, and overly polished floors) of Health and Safety issues spoon fed to the public. Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking these films, we could probably do with more of these punchy numbers today - mobile phones, dangerous dogs and stodge diets for starters.

Set dressed for earthy authenticity (apart from a few of the scenarios) these thumbnails capture an accurate snapshot of Seventies lifestyle and deliver all the detail lacking from the over dressed grotesques in shows like 'Life on Mars' etc..
Treat yourself and have a peep at Blunders family in 'Meet the Blunders' -
I Love the moment they've chosen to freeze frame at the end..

There's Mr Blunders



There's Mrs blunders and there's Billy Blunders

The 'Charlie Says' special edition containing Vol 1 and 2 is available from Amazon for the crazy price of £6.97 (bizarrely Volume 1 and 2 are individually priced at around £10)

If you're in the mood for more retromaniac classics have a wander over Planet Mondo for some Charity Shop sounds including Joe Loss and Manuel and The Music of The Mountains'

Start Making Sense Pt. 2 – Space Invader Close Ups.

What is going on with this crazy phase of extremely ‘Extreme Close Ups’ for talking head shots at certain moments in comtemporary Documentaries?

There seems to be a new fad for this caps, bold and underlined, forehead to chin camera angle. I don’t get it at all, are they saying …

A – This is a close, revealing and sensitive moment. DO YOU SEE????

Yes I do see but I have to go reeling out of the room to focus on the speakers face.

B – We are giving you a sense of reality, intimacy, contact and a shared ‘in the room’ experience with this person.

But I don’t know anyone with a 28” widescreen face and certainly wouldn't share any sort of experience with someone that did , save from shooing them to the door.

It’s like all those shaky shenningans back in the 90’s (‘This Life’ being the world’s worst offender) when only camera operators with St Vitus Dance seemed to be used. I wasn't impressed, just ended up with motion sickness and switching off.

C’mon get a grip, and pull it back a bit.

I Am The Walrus

Good God almighty I must have gone hard at it this Christmas. Even my 'not so hard to do up trousers' are on the point of bursting like an over inflated balloon - and they haven't even been to the Dry Cleaners so that's that excuse gone pop (soon to be followed by the trousers).

I'm sure I was wasn't feeling this puffed up and bloaty last January, but that'll be down to the scientific yet seasonally named 'Winter Vomit Disease' (are there other seasonal diseases?) which kicked in on Christmas Day.

So then resolutions for 2008

New Year rezzers at the moment are....

1 - Advance beyond just the Pentatonic scale for guitar playing.
Perhaps have a try at that crazy Mixolydian scale.

2 - Check for grammar, typo's and spelling mistakes before posting new blog entries.
I'm bound to have blown that one on this entry.

3 - Start getting up to date with TV and film.
I'm so achingly out of date with everything it's beyond ridiculous - never seen The Sopranos, Heroes or any US dramas, (I only started on Seinfeld last year). And the list of films I haven't seen is plain embarrassing

4 - Read books that aren't just music/pop culture/entertainment related.
This shouldn't be too tricky - in theory

5 - Try to do less blogging.
My heads constantly buzzing with bits to stick in my cyberspace scrapbooks, I've been a terror for Ebay, music downloading and Myspace but nothing has swallowed my spare (and not spare) time like the black hole of blogging. I really should try to apply the hi tech' handbrake more often in 2008

Updates may be posted throughout the year - but wouldn't that be breaking Res' number 5? Yikes it's like a Mobius Strip.