Faking It

Where are my headphones I asked?
You can track your order online - they replied
See tracking order above for details - thanks for that then!

As I've probably mentioned before I'm a bugger for a bargain - charity shops (mainly books), T K Maxx (best buy to date a leather jacket reduced from £450 to £47) and of course the online goldmine that is eBay.

A couple of years back I took a bid-based punt on two polo shirts - a Fred Perry and a Penguin 'Earl' - both of which were listed with crazy cheap 'Buy Now' prices. When they finally arrived from the far east, the trademark penguin logo had more lean than the Tower of Pizza, and the Fred Perry, despite making a claim of 100% cotton, crackled like a static storm everytime it was removed.

But, I bounced back and tried a couple more bargain buys (from other 'Bayers this time, and still a third of the high street price). Perfect. Two years on and these clone-clothes are washing and wearing like a dream. Since then I've knowingly bought Converse, a Limited Edition Bathing Ape edition Casio G-Shock watch and reproduction Seditionaries t-shirts. All of which are hooky but authentic enough to be believable and and well made enough to be durable (unlike the first two fake-offs).

However, I am a low-level fuss pot about sound quality, and recently snapped up a pair of Sennheiser PX200 headphones listed on eBay at half the RRP. The delivery seemed to be taking longer than expected, so a quick peep of the sellers feedback rating revealed a history of fakery, neutral feedback and partial refunds. Whoops.

I'll live with a fake that looks and wears like the real thing, but can knock-off headphones actually simulate the sound fidelity of real deal Sennheisers or will it just be dodgy market electronics re-badged and branded as something superior?

I'll let you know if they ever arrive..

Who Chooses The Music For Suburban Swinger Parties

Don't panic - I'm not thinking of throwing or going to some swinging affair. Although right now somewhere, someone (possibly even, someone you know ) will be planning and prepping a home-counties communal love-in this weekend. And like any other suburban do, there must be some pre-party production and a tick list of sorts

RSVPs
Drinks/nibbles to be bought (spicy must be off the menu)
Rearranging furniture
Tweaking the lighting
Choosing the music
Bowls for peanuts and car keys

So do they add some musical colour and atmos' at these low-key local get-it-togethers? Is there a carefully picked playlist of smoochy tunes perhaps titled 'Songs For Swinging Lovers'. You couldn't risk a random shuffle could you (behave - I mean on the iPod) suppose a passion killer from the collection boomed into view - Amazing Grace, Ace Of Spades or Grandad We Love You ..

On arrival is there the usual party pre-amble - "How's the job, any holidays planned" etc..and who gives the skirts-up/trousers-down signal. Surely the neighbours must rumble that something's ahoy as car-loads of unknown middle aged meddlers start pinching all the parking spaces..

It goes on everywhere you know - there's even visual evidence of local interest activties happening in my hometown and it's surrounding suburbs

Barge Gladys home to the family friendy Benfleet Yacht Club was notoriously outed in the Sunday papers some years back as a location for the am-cam movie 'Kym's Sea Shanty'.

A regular reader of this blog once lent me 'Benfleet a-Go-Go' as they named it. A sort of home made have-it-away-day filmed on the Fenchurch Street to Southend line one Sunday afternoon, a hand held not-so-steadycam film of two couples making their own in-carriage entertainment .

Even folksy Old Leigh isn't safe - the local nature reserve Two Tree Island is a magnet for dog walkers by day but doggers by night

So consider this - amongst your network of friends - work, social or virtual who would you ring as the swinger of the scene. Think of it as kinky Cluedo (Lewdo - perhaps) who is the Professor Plum or Miss Scarlet? Is that a lead pipe in his pocket or is he just pleased to see her, and what caper are they hoping to carry off in the study this weekend?

Or if you are someone hosting a communal cosy-up over the bank holiday, help yourself to this and think if it as something for the weekend. A very cheeky compilation titled 'I'm Not Feeling Myself Tonight'- described as...

"From under the counter, Jigoku's Lovely Jon and Quiet Village's Joel Martin present this very rude, XXX rated (and as the title suggests, a very tongue-in-cheek) limited edition mix. Expect to hear sleazy disco, dirty funk, glam rock and punk interspersed with snippets of dialogue from blue movies, 70's jazzmag flexidiscs, and more. Distinctly British and distinctly 70s, this filthy little party mix is brimming with low-budget sleaze - utterly explicit and rather politically incorrect."

Menace From The Deep

During the recent sunny spell this has been the view from my local station while waiting for the Fenchurch Flyer - but as sunny and delightful as this appears there is a real and deadly danger below the waves.

Just off shore (on the Kent side of the Thames) lies the the wreck of the SS Richard Montgomery loaded with somewhere between 1000 - 3000 tonnes of high explosives, which according to the New Scientist could generate "the world's biggest non-nuclear explosion" should they combust.

Eyes Right - the green strip just above the boats is Canvey Island.



Straight Ahead - the brown speck on the horizon is this place as seen on Grand Designs


Look East - looking towards the SS Richard Montgomery

Oh and it just happens to between two tanker lanes and a short hop from an oil refinery - there's more on it here