Don't panic - I'm not thinking of throwing or going to some swinging affair. Although right now somewhere, someone (possibly even, someone you know ) will be planning and prepping a home-counties communal love-in this weekend. And like any other suburban do, there must be some pre-party production and a tick list of sorts
RSVPs
Drinks/nibbles to be bought (spicy must be off the menu)
Rearranging furniture
Tweaking the lighting
Choosing the music
Bowls for peanuts and car keys
So do they add some musical colour and atmos' at these low-key local get-it-togethers? Is there a carefully picked playlist of smoochy tunes perhaps titled 'Songs For Swinging Lovers'. You couldn't risk a random shuffle could you (behave - I mean on the iPod) suppose a passion killer from the collection boomed into view - Amazing Grace, Ace Of Spades or Grandad We Love You ..
On arrival is there the usual party pre-amble - "How's the job, any holidays planned" etc..and who gives the skirts-up/trousers-down signal. Surely the neighbours must rumble that something's ahoy as car-loads of unknown middle aged meddlers start pinching all the parking spaces..
It goes on everywhere you know - there's even visual evidence of local interest activties happening in my hometown and it's surrounding suburbs
Barge Gladys home to the family friendy Benfleet Yacht Club was notoriously outed in the Sunday papers some years back as a location for the am-cam movie 'Kym's Sea Shanty'.
A regular reader of this blog once lent me 'Benfleet a-Go-Go' as they named it. A sort of home made have-it-away-day filmed on the Fenchurch Street to Southend line one Sunday afternoon, a hand held not-so-steadycam film of two couples making their own in-carriage entertainment .
Even folksy Old Leigh isn't safe - the local nature reserve Two Tree Island is a magnet for dog walkers by day but doggers by night
So consider this - amongst your network of friends - work, social or virtual who would you ring as the swinger of the scene. Think of it as kinky Cluedo (Lewdo - perhaps) who is the Professor Plum or Miss Scarlet? Is that a lead pipe in his pocket or is he just pleased to see her, and what caper are they hoping to carry off in the study this weekend?
Or if you are someone hosting a communal cosy-up over the bank holiday, help yourself to this and think if it as something for the weekend. A very cheeky compilation titled 'I'm Not Feeling Myself Tonight'- described as...
"From under the counter, Jigoku's Lovely Jon and Quiet Village's Joel Martin present this very rude, XXX rated (and as the title suggests, a very tongue-in-cheek) limited edition mix. Expect to hear sleazy disco, dirty funk, glam rock and punk interspersed with snippets of dialogue from blue movies, 70's jazzmag flexidiscs, and more. Distinctly British and distinctly 70s, this filthy little party mix is brimming with low-budget sleaze - utterly explicit and rather politically incorrect."
16 comments:
I don't know about this, Dave.
Still haunted by the fear of being picked last for the team in gym class, what kind of masochist would I have to be to knowingly walk into a situation where I could be PICKED LAST FOR SEX?
Could there be greater humiliation?
I just had a flashback. I’m 14 years old at sleep away camp one summer and the other campers are arguing with the counselors about who has to take me in their canoe - “You get her this time, we had to have her last time.”
What if I were to hear those same words at a Swinger’s Party? I
But hold on a minute!
I may have always “sucked at sports" but maybe that’s what propelled me to excel at sex? And I may lie about going to the gym on occasion, but I don't lie about throwing fabulous parties! And cooking great food! And I do love to mix up a bunch of people with some great music and potent alcohol and see what happens!
Maybe the obvious next social step for me IS a Swingers Party?!
Who needs a Murder Mystery Night for grown ups? Yawn.
From now on, it’s Me Jane You Tarzan.
Off to plan my menu - you can supply the music, Dave.
Hey Dave.
My luck I would get picked last at some swinger party. That would be my fear. I also got picked last in gym class. I hated that.
This was a cool post. It did get me thinking if anybody around where I live through swinger parties. I've seen some tv shows that deal with this issue. It is a very fascinating topic. It's interesting to think about who may be into this scene.
I do wonder what sort of music would be played there.
Very cheeky VW - I've seen a different side to you now ..and yes I did do the music at the last one didn't I - I'd forgotten that. I'm sure I could work something up for another..actually this might do for a warm-up..
Keith - I was always picked last at British Bulldog too
I had a friend once from Harlow, who told me all about the Mazola Parties he'd been to there in the 80s. It was still 'bring a bottle' but it all got tipped in the bath, and then so did the 'guests'.
The actuality of standing naked and shivering on a plastic sheet in a Harlow bathroom stinking of chip oil, is (in MY mind, and these things are subjective) about as far from erotic as you could get...
I worked in Harlow for a while and thought of some those oddbods getting oiled up for action makes my stomach go over...
When I lived in Billericay, there were always whispers about out of hours romps (mainly off duty coppers and their wives apparently)
ha! good post. xx
Off duty Billericay coppers! YES! I heard that too!
PS. Actually, they'd have HAD to have been off-duty, wouldn't they.
Thanks Alexandra - it must go in in New York too - heard any fruity whispers?
ISB - my parents used to run a newsagents in Billericay (on the left by the lights as you drive into Billericay from Brentwood) so we were kept up with ALL the local gossip and heard it from several independant sources (including ex-coppers if I remember)
Thanks for the Electric Blue compilation - couldn't be more perfect for a SSP. Very suspicious though I'd say that you already have this, Dave... very suspicious indeed.
Now then that has got me intrigued you're right Anon - I did have a couple of EB vids (bought from Golden Disc for 99p in the sale)-
I'll have to try and crack the conundrum who you are...
Where I grew up was swinging central. Pampas grass on every other lawn - the internationally recognised sign of the swingers. I'm sure my parents were at it. Their parties were soundtracked by Creedence Clearwater Revival, Motown Chartbusters and, er, The Carpenters for when the lights went low.
Look out for hot tubs, the pampas grass of the new millennium.
haha! Looks like you gots yaself a stalker mate! For all our sakes, lets hope he\she knows nothing of the big A-Z scandal of the late 80's.... what ever did happen to East Croydon anyway??
Did you ever see the Louis Theroux prog on swinging?? Ugh... it was the most un-sexy thing ever! Big blokes, with big beards n big bellys... my oh my, those lucky ladies... ;-)
P
Pampas Grass - I'd forgotten about that FC, but Carpenters at a swinging do that could lead to limpness...
Awww Gawd - I did see the Louis thing P, bit grim - like oily walruses
The A - Z affair? Is that the thing that happened on Westcliff station platform.
looove this post, love how its written. definitely made me laugh - swingers parties! god i wish i'd been alive in the 70s
Glad it roucked your boots Molly. I'll bet there's a few settee's and spare rooms from the seventies that could tell a few tales - phew!!
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